Stoking the Fire

There’s nothing like a nice, warm fire, whether it’s in the fireplace or on the beach. It just makes you feel cozy and comfortable, right? Well, we want to feel that way in our relationships, too, so sometimes you have to metaphorically stoke the fire we share with our partners. But how to do that?

A recent New York Times article by Dr. Jen Gunter tackles the issue of having a sexless relationship or sexless marriage (the definition of “sexless” being no sex 10 or fewer times a year). One study by the General Social Survey shows that approximately 15% of married couples are sexless. Some couples weren’t much interested in sex to begin with: For others, a particular event, like an affair or childbirth, slowed the frequency of sex.

No surprise, the survey showed that happy couples have more sex, and those in sexless marriages were more likely to consider divorce. Women often are stereotyped as the one in a relationship not wanting intimacy (“not tonight, honey, I have a headache”). But what if it’s the man?

Dr. Gunter’s article tackles the question about the lack of sexual desire by the male partner, and used her own experiences as examples. “Looking back on my relationship,” she said, “the frequency of sex dropped off quickly. I told myself it would get better because there were other positives.

“I started to circuitously ask friends if they ever felt similarly rejected. The answer was, ‘Not really.’ My experience led me to listen differently to women speaking about their sex lives with men.” Short of a medical or psychological problem that requires professional counseling, Dr. Gunter suggests trying to fan those flames, “…because the more you have sex, the more you may want to have it, if you’re doing it right and it feels good.”

At Pure Romance, we are in the business of enhancing relationships, and Dr. Gunter’s article reminds us that no matter what the reason, intimacy between partners is an important component. “If you love the person you’re with,” she said, “then the sooner you speak up, the better. Waiting until months or even years have passed can weaponize the bedroom.”

Want to read more? Visit for the entire article.

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